The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

ABC’s The Bachelor returned last night because is it even the New Year without a Bachelor premiere?

Grey-haired Arie Luyendyk, better known as the “Kissing Bandit” (and also what I refer to my dog as) is this year’s lead and seems like a bit of a basic bitch, but according to a few outside sources is apparently anything but – in bed.

Within the first two minutes of the premiere, Arie uses the word “hopeful” twice. If I never hear this word in the history of this franchise again, I will die the happiest. I also got a giant wave of anxiety as they started to introduce the girls. Had I accepted to go on this show, I would have had to do my own hair for three straight months. F that.

It’s clear Arie has a type; Real Estate agents named Becca or Lauren.

Chelsea was cast because she’s the poor man’s Emily Maynard, but once the cameras start rolling, production quickly realized she’s actually the devil and most likely, this season’s villain. Chelsea hinted to Arie that there’s a lot to get to know about her – does she like sparkle in the daylight or what? She also received the first impression rose, so maybe she’s got a secret power of mind control? I need to know…

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

Nysha’s boobs as MASSIVE. The taxidermy girl scared the poop out of me (I feel light as a feather now, so thanks). Tia lives in Weiner, AR and shops at bestie Raven’s boutique, Grey Suede, so she definitely canNOT be trusted – with her outfit choices at least.

Did everyone align together and recycle their bridesmaids dresses? I want to hate Rizzo from Grease Bekah, but she’s literally the only one who wore a semi-fun outfit.

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

The Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk Episode 1 Recap

All I’m saying is Lauren S. for Bachelorette!!!!

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